20 Questions With The One, The Only Lek

WARNING: THEY’RE DEAD. THEY’RE ALL MESSED UP.

Announcer: (Voice over) We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast of “America’s Funniest Minorities” with Michael Richards to bring you this special announcement. Here’s award winning journalist Brian Warner.

Anchor: Good evening, I’m Paul White. Chaos gripped the country this morning when the government announced “We lost some zombies.” Well, they were found about an hour ago in a school in Canton, Ohio and, unfortunately, the school served tater tots for lunch. WCNT reporter Glenn Jacobs is on the scene. Glenn, what’s happening?

Glenn: Hey, hey, hey! Paul, I’m standing in front of P.S. 138 in Canton, Ohio and I’m standing on the small intestine Alan Smithee.

Anchor: That’s horrible!

Glenn: Yes. Yes, it is. Paul, the peaceful sounds of lockers opening and girls cheering were mixed with the cries of teens dying hideously today, as a ravenous horde of flesh eating zombies attacked a high school football game. Standing next to me, and in a head, is a man known only as Lek, a documentarian who has been chronicling this since—

Mike: (English accent) ZOMBIE!!!

We hear a gunshot and Glenn’s head explodes. Mike & Ike enter, carrying a 9mm Beretta and an AK47, respectively.

M: You are one lucky son of a bitch!

Lek: But he wasn’t a—

M: Yes, he was.

Lek: But he—

M: Yes!

Lek: Who are you people?

M: Greetings and salutations. He’s not Mike.

Ike: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike, and we’re doin’ this interview.

M: Now then, let’s talk about your film. How did Lost Zombies come about and how many people are involved behind the scenes?

Lek: 3 creators. Lost (my older brother), Undead Rob (good friend) and myself.

I: Christian names?

Lek: Of course.

I: Cool.

Lek: Lost and I always talked about doing a film together. He graduated from the SF Academy of Art in Film and I was a Film Critic in college. Lost originally thought up the community generated aspect and talked to Rob about it and then they brought me in. We always wanted to disrupt the Hollywood way of making movies and give the little people more of a voice. Zombies came about because they are badass and we love them.

M: How long are you going to be taking submissions?

Lek: It’s open ended. We are at minimum going to make one movie, but there is nothing stopping us from making more. We are also working on a book of storied and photos that have been submitted. Basically, if we keep getting good stuff, we will keep it going as long as we need to.

I: Have you seen any entries that have totally blown you away?

Lek: I tend to approve the photo ones only and yes there have been some amazing ones, both in realism and in gore.

I: Seen any that make ya wanna scoop your eyes out with a Spork?

Lek: Yes, some from the stand point that they were extremely bloody (i.e. a placenta)

M: Ew.

I: Rock on.

Lek: But more from the stand point of being extremely bad submissions.

M: If you could actually orchestrate a zombie apocalypse, where would you start it?

Lek: I'm a Bay Area, CA guy so I would want it as far away as possible. I think NYC is a perfect spot because of the people and the attitudes of them. It would be insane to watch.

I: Fast or slow?

Lek: I'm old school. I like them slow and awkward.

M: What’s your favorite zombie film?

Lek: The original Dawn of the Dead.

M: Favorite non-horror film?

Lek: The Shawshank Redemption.

I: You got a lot of objectives on the grid (Which you can find at www.lostzombies.com). What kinda runnin’ time you thinkin?’

Lek: The finished film will be 2 hours or so, the first one at least. We are looking at doing online versions and bit torrent version as well.

M: If you could make a big budget, studio zombie flick, what celebrities would you love to have eaten?

Lek: Lilly Tomlin and Carol Burnett. They have always given me the creeps.

I: (Staring at camera) ZOMBIE!!!

He pulls out his gun and fires at the camera. It flies backwards and breaks.


SIX MONTHS LATER


Maria: Good evening, everyone. I’m Maria “Dirty” Sanchez. Contrary to statements from world leaders, not everyone believes that the zombie outbreak is containable. I’m standing here with Lek, a documentarian who has been chronicling this since—

M: ZOMBIE!!!

We hear a gunshot. Maria’s head explodes. Mike & Ike enter.

I: That’s two you owe us, junior.

Lek: Where did you come from? Why did you--?

I: We weren’t done.

M: And now, we end this interview like we end all interviews, with the famous questionnaire that no one’s ever heard of. Lek, which Beatle would you most like to see encased in carbonite?

Lek: The one no one talks about, George or whoever. That way maybe he will finally get the press he deserves.

I: If you could endanger one species, what would it be?

Lek: Ants, I hate those bastards. You see 1, there are 1,000 hiding and then suddenly you start itching.

M: How many roads must a man walk down before you call him an idiot for not taking the bus?

Lek: 3.

I: Would you rather be eaten by a zombie or a hooker with an overactive gag reflex?

Lek: Zombie. Definitely eaten by a zombie.

M: Has a snow globe ever changed your life?

Lek: Not changed, but I only see them at Xmas time so they definitely take me to a happier time when I was a kid.

I: If you were a super villain and your choice of sidekicks included Norm McDonald, Rob Schneider, or a sock puppet, who (Or what) would you choose?

Lek: A sock puppet, because I could leave it at home when I got sick of it.

M: Superman or Batman?

Lek: Batman. No super powers.

I: Family Guy or South Park?

Lek: South Park.

M: Truth or consequences?

Lek: Truth.

I: And finally, Lek, what’s your favorite form of suicide?

Lek: Um . . . none.

I: Mine’s watchin’ a “The Hills” marathon.

M: Well, it’s taken many months, but thank you very much for your time and more importantly, thank you very much for chronicling this since—


Ike: (Staring at Lek) ZOMBIE!!!