Elizabeth Clever's Page

Please Note: This is a comedy. I apologize for taking away from the dark-heartedness of the rest of this wonderful site. Also, it is my first screenplay, and comedy, which explains the blah-ness of it. It is, nonetheless, zombie themed.

Plight of the Living Dead
Written by "Elizabeth Clever"
A Zombie Comedy
Screenplay


Starr Blonde, pretty; white skirt or skinny jeans and high-heels. Glamorous.

Echo Off-stage. Relatively the same voice as Starr. Wavering and soft.

Bob Dressed in ripping, blood-stained, dirty clothing that appears old and very damaged. Trousers, with a shirt that was at one point collared and white. Scruffy, balding hair. Skin is dirty. Beer belly. Zombie with an odd, peasant accent.

Edna Floral patterned floor-length housemother dress, apron, all torn, blood-stained, and dirty. Her hair is in a high, uncontrollable bun, almost comical. Zombie with an odd, peasant accent.



Starr enters, strutting stupidly, humming a current pop song. Singing poorly and with wrong lyrics. Steps in a puddle and throws a short fit.
Starr: Darn this rain!
Surprised by the echo, then startled by a sudden thudding noise from off-stage left, then one off-stage right.
Starr: (Tentatively) Hello?
Echo: Hello? Hello? Hello?
Starr: Who’s this?
Echo: Who’s this? Who’s this? Who’s this?
Starr: Excuse me, but I asked you first!
Echo: Asked you first! You first! You first!
Starr: No, you didn’t. Answer me! Show yourself!
Echo: Show yourself! Show yourself! Show yourself!
Starr: I am right here! (Stamps foot, screeching the last line.)
Silence. Footsteps again. Starr becomes scared, looking around for the owner. Gasps when she sees an awkward Edna hobbling onto the stage, arms outstretched, entering left.
Starr: Who... Who are you?
Edna groans loudly and inarticulacy. Starr screams and runs to the right stage in an effort to escape. Watching Edna, she bumps into Bob, as he is walking out of the right wing. Bob groans loudly. Starr stumbles and crawls backwards, then sitting with her back against a car, whimpering. Edna is on her left and Bob is on her right. They are both laughing demonically.
Starr: (Momentarily forgetting her position, getting insulted.) What’s so funny?
Bob: (Slowly and sarcastically.) Look, look, look. Look what we’ve got ‘ere!
They laugh.
Bob: A tasty little morsel you are, yes, and a pretty one to boot.
The couple leans forward slowly, growling, in preparation to attack Starr. Starr screams. Suddenly, Edna pulls back and they stop.
Edna: (Angry) What you mean, pretty?
Bob: (Tired; as if he’s dealt with this before many times.) Aw, Edna. Don’t do this now. You know what I meant! I meant-
Edna: I sure as hell didn’t know what y’meant!
Edna glares at Starr, then turns back, crossing her arms, facing Bob again. Bob runs his hand through his gray, thin hair, accidentally pulling out a handful and starting when he sees it.
Edna: (Ignoring this) I’ll tell you what you meant. You meant you like to ogle poor young girls. I’m sure this lil’ dear doesn’t like t’be objectified! Just ‘cause we’re going t’eat her don’t give you the right to make ‘er uncomfortable, Bob.
Edna taps her foot, slowly leaning towards Bob as she talks. As she leans forward, he leans back. When she stops talking and stands still quietly, he is so far back he stumbles. He rights himself, then raises a finger to say something.
Bob: Hold on there a minute!
The finger snaps off and falls to the ground. Starr hands it back to him.
Bob: Thanks, love.
Starr: You’re welcome.
The finger distracted them both long enough for Edna to begin again.
Edna: And another thing, we been married near ‘hundred years and yet you ain’t called me pretty in near ninety-nine! You ain’t so attractive yourself, mister, so why’re you thinking you can go around hitting on every woman in town?
Bob seems confused.
Edna: Oh yes, I saw you and Shirley, don’t act all innocent. You were all over her.
Bob: (Shocked) Shirley! She ain’t been spoiled for near ten months yet, that’s just barbaric.
Starr shifts her seating, watching both zombies in turn as they talk, interested.
Edna: Oh, please, Robert! You go after all the newly deceased like flies on honey. Shirley’s a cold dead bimbo and you damned well know it.
Bob’s mouth drops open, looking to Starr and pointing accusingly at Edna, trying to get Starr on his side.
Bob: Shirley is a perfectly respectable cadaver and not to mention, your friend.
Starr uses the silence to her advantage, tugging on Bob’s trousers desperately, suddenly afraid.
Starr: Please... Please, don’t hurt me!
Bob: (Flustered between the two women’s conversations.) Oh, you, shut up!
Edna: And another thing, you never listen to me! You always telling me to shut up, and I never get a chance to choose our dinner. (Stamps her foot.) Why don’t I ever get to pick the dinner?
Edna motions to Bob at Starr while he talks, trying to get Starr on her side.
Bob: (Suddenly erupts in anger, yelling now.) ‘Cause you’re always picking the bad ones! Last one you picked had just dry skin I thought I’d chuck ‘im all up again!
Edna: Oh really, so some chick buttered up in an entire cosmetics store will taste so much better?
Starr blinks in surprise, then touches her cheek slowly.
Starr: Can I please say something?
Bob: What? No! Be quiet, you!
Edna: Oh, let the thing talk, Robert! What’s your name, love?
Bob throws up his arms, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.
Starr: My name’s Starr and...
Bob: (Interrupts sceptically) Starr? Your name is seriously Starr? What’s your last name... Bright?
Edna waves her hand rudely at him, silencing him once again. Starr continues undeterred.
Starr: Well, I think you two should love each other again.
None of the three talk for an awkward amount of time, the zombies staring at Starr and she looking at each of them in turn. When it is clear Starr has nothing else to say Bob speaks.
Bob: (Heavily sarcastic.) Wow, Starr, do you do this for a living? I think I’m healed. And to think we wanted to eat Oprah, when we have this psychologist waiting in the wings!
Edna: Shut your mouth, Robert, and let the girl speak.
Bob runs a hand slowly down his face, exasperatingly, groaning while he does it. Starr thinks for a moment before speaking, standing and tapping her chin. Pacing a little.
Starr: You two should share a candle-light dinner. With soft music. And talk about stuff you both like. You know, graveyards or something. A date! You got married for a reason, right? So I think you love each other deep down. Bob, why did you marry Edna?
Bob looks down and kicks the ground, putting his hands in his pockets. Edna holds an arm and looks away sheepishly.
Bob: (Awkward and nervous at first, but genuine by the end.) Well, she had the prettiest eyes I’d ever have seen on a corpse. And the most delicate way of hunting, even the politician-types. They were so hard to get a grip on, but she did it flawlessly, every time. Ever since she spoiled I couldn’t get my mind off o’her.
Edna is now holding her hands together and leaning lovingly towards him, smiling happily.
Edna: Oh, Bob, I’m so sorry, for everything. I love you!
Bob: Oh, Edna! I love you too! I’m so sorry I could ever forget that.
Bob and Edna embrace, while Starr claps enthusiastically.
Bob: How’s about you and I have that candle-lit dinner?
Starr giggles and cheers.
Bob: I’ll even clean off the cosmetics first.
Starr laughs for a moment longer, before his message dawns on her face. She gasps just as Bob and Edna lean in to attack. The lights snap off before they reach Starr, leaving only the tapering sounds of growls and a scream echoing. Silence.