REAL SURVIVAL TIPS FOR STAYING ALIVE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Hello, citizens. It's Fawkes - I thought I'd do you all a public service, since there seem to be a slew of misinformed survivors on here. These tips will keep you alive longer and rack up your kill count. Pay attention, and write this down in your ledger now.
First and foremost - unless you have handled guns before and know what you're doing, IGNORE WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN IN MOVIES AND TV. Filmmakers make things that are pretty, and cool, and make you feel good. Realism is never a factor. Same goes for videogames. Just because you're top sniper in Halo doesn't mean you can handle a .308 Winchester.
IF YOU'VE NEVER USED A GUN, STICK TO LOW CALIBER.
Guns are much more powerful than you would think. If you've never used one, stick to low caliber with little kickback. .22s and 9mms are the best. Most weapons have their names and calibers printed on them, so just check the stock if you're not sure.
HOLD THEM THE RIGHT WAY.
Pistols get a two hand grip, one of the butt, and one palming the bottom of the gun. Use the iron sights. Don't fire it from the hip, and don't hold it sideways like a gangsta. It might look cool, but you won't hit jack. Hold rifles and carbines by the MAGAZINE WELL - not the stock. This is a common misconception. It should hit your shoulder, and your other hand should hold the front of the magazine or clip.
STAY AWAY FROM GLAMOR AND HEAVY WEAPONS.
Unless you're military, law enforcement, or have a class 3 firearms license and know what you're doing, leave them alone. I know that SAW, or Desert Eagle, or Grenade Launcher looks sexy, but trust me - unless you know how to handle a .50 cal or a 40mm grenade shell, you'll do more damage to yourself than an infected.
KNIVES ARE USELESS.
Knives are tools. They are not made for killing people. Knives that ARE made for killing people, like combat knives and KBARS, are made for killing PEOPLE - not Campion zombies. It is almost impossible to shove a knife blade through someone's skull. Try shoving your KBAR through a frozen ham, all the way, then yanking it back out quickly. Hard? Of course it is. Especially since combat knives have serrated ends. It will get stuck. Don't use them.
BLADES ARE GOOD.
Blades, not knives, are very useful for taking out infected. Stick to heavy, somewhat blunt blades. For example, a hatchet or a fireaxe will work wonders. One strong hit will crush an infected's skull and split their brain in two. A machete will not do much. Jason Voorhees might be able to lop a teenager's head off in one swipe with one, but Jason Voorhess has insanely superhuman strength. You do not.
FIREBOMBS AND EXPLOSIVES ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA.
Again, unless you know how to properly handle them, don't use them. Molotov cocktails are incredibly dangerous and unstable to use - and they don't kill an infected instantly. Do YOU want a whole mob of pissed-off runners chasing after you, ON FIRE? Didn't think so.
No costumes, no avatar outfits, nothing you think looks badass. Make sure it will serve you before you wear it.
No trenchcoats. They are not tactical. There is a reason the military discontinued them after World War ONE. They drag. You can trip, get snagged, or get grabbed. They only work for bank robberies and school shootings.
I don't care how much you want to dress up like Gordan Freeman, or the Terminator, or Masterchief while killing zombies. If you want to dress up, you'll be the coolest looking zombie at the ball. Have fun.
WEAR NOTHING THAT DRAGS OR RESTRICTS CIRCULATION.
No long hair, no bondage pants, no danglies, no wallet chains, no straps. Zombies can grab on like babies that grab earrings. No skinny jeans. No tight clothes. You'll get tired faster, and it can fuck with your circulation.
DRESS FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
If it's cold, wear warm clothes. If it's hot, wear cool clothes. Should be common sense.
FATIGUES OR LEATHER.
Leather (if it's not ungodly hot outside) is very good to wear. It's durable, and almost impossible to bite through.
Fatigues are easy to find, and will last you forever. They are durable. They have lots of pockets. They will last you no matter how much sweat, dirt ,blood, or other muck they are covered in. That's what they're made for.
Zombies aren't the only danger in the apocalypse. Every lunatic asshole that wanted to shoot up McDonalds, rape every woman they saw, burn down their school, or steal everything in sight, now has the opportunity to do it, since there is no military or police. Trust me - you'll run into them. Body armor is good to have. Also, kevlar is IMPOSSIBLE to bite through. An infected would lose their teeth if they tried.
And most importantly of all - TRUST NO ONE.
You have been told Campion is no longer airborne.
Are you a CDC doctor? Are they? It might be true, and it might not. Don't run the risk.
Avoid being bitten. Do not come into contact with blood, saliva, or any other bodily fluids. Wear clothes that cover your skin. Wear gas masks or respirators if you can find them.
I have an NBC MOPP suit, military issue. You can find them in surplus stores everywhere. MAKE SURE they are sealed in a factory bag, otherwise they are useless. Make sure you have the gloves and boots. Make sure you have the chemical hood. Make sure your gasmask is new. Make sure your canister is GREEN, not black, and that it has a sealed rubber diaphragm. Check the expiration date.
Stay safe, stay armed, and stay paranoid. Kill them all, and let god sort them out.