December 1st, 2011 - Time 8:47pm - Challis, Idaho
"Ok so zombie movies pretty much got it all fucking wrong"
"Well, where to start? I know everybody always wants to do some sort of vlog, and I can't imagine a better time" she says shifting so she's sitting upright.
"Well turns out, fucking Walmart wasn't such a great idea" she takes a long pull off her cigarette and lets the smoke roll from her lips, seemingly covered in a blackened crust-like red.
Behind her seems to be an old rustic looking cabin, wood logs panel the wall, with a few cheesy paintings making their presence known. The area is dark, but the light from phone offers a creepy amount of light, enough for the shadows to play tricks on your eyes. The bright red flare of the cigarette illuminates her face again for a moment.
"Ok so zombie movies pretty much got it all fucking wrong, if you're wondering how I am still alive and stuff. No cars blown up all over the place, they don't fucking die when you shoot them in the head, and they're dead, no upper brain functions, only basic survival instincts." Pausing, she takes yet another drag from her cigarette, this time talking as the smoke rolls out from her mouth.
"I'm alive cause I parked outside of Walmart, and was able to run to my car, because the two gun happy rednecks that thought they'd be able to clear the entrance of Walmart learned real quick that zombie movies were way off." she let's out a soft chuckle "Fuck, they weren't anything like we thought, seriously, watched one of them fucks take four or five rounds to the head, nothing the thing still stood upright."
Sighing she flips off the camera "Thanks Romero for fucking that one up.." she then shrugs and continues "Yeah so pretty much our attempt to secure Walmart led to a bunch of bullshit. Mom's wanting to rush out there to get home to their kids, old people thinking the zombies were all just a bunch of hoodlums that needed taught a lesson, and other wonderful people, mostly members of our military that thought getting to their cars was more important than securing the building."
A spark followed by a flame fills the camera, causing a blinding lighting change from what her norm was, the familiar red cherry brightens near her mouth. "Yeah the whole place went to shit in no time, Walmart staff thinking they could take charge, hell I even saw a manager threaten a guy for snagging a bottle of water and stuffing it in his jeans. That was an interesting moment. Basically the two rednecks I mentioned, grabbed shotguns from the gun department as if they knew what was up, and of course, people saw two guys with guns, they panic, try to get out of the store, and guess what?" she pauses "It was fucking Zombmart. The two guys ran up started blasting into the crowd, not only dropping our zombie friends, but people trying to run past. Once the zeds overtook the two rednecks, I made a break for it."
Her eyes look directly into the camera and she smiles "Yeah, Walmart, great fucking idea if you have hours to prepare and have the right group of people. So anyway, I fought through the parking lot, you know what great zombie smacking weapon I had? I small cheap ass purse I got from a vintage store with keys, and don't laugh, it packs more of a punch than you think." She smiles during the pause, the cigarette again brightens.
"You know those dumb bitches you always see in horror movies that fumble with their keys? Yeah well, I was one of them, yep, I went with the non-powered locks feature as it saved me 300 bucks, good call huh?" She lets out a soft laugh "Between shaky ass fingers and being scared shitless, with oh, says five or six zombies coming at me, I managed to finally get that damn key in the hole, and yeah, when you get that success, I don't care who you are, you have catlike reflexes and speed, I was in that driver seat, with the key in the ignition and backing out of there quick as possible." Her eyes drift for a moment looking to something outside, her voice gets a bit softer.
"Probably just some animals, I'm seriously deep in Chalis National Forest, yeah, for those of you who don't know where that it is, it's like a ways outside of Boise, in Idaho. Can't imagine I'd have to deal with a population problem in a forest. Plus, cabins aren't mean to be ran electrically so it's setup for if we do lose power, which we haven't, don't know why we would, zombies aren't out there humping power plants."
"Yeah, so word of advice, it looks cool when you see those people in the movies hit a zombie and splatter it, but don't do it, seriously, I drive an old 2004 Camry, the fucking bumper exploded when I hit one of them, as well as totally denting the passenger side of my bumper. Those crash point things were meant to fuck you up, I had to listen to the wonderful sound of metal rubbing against my tire." Taking another drag off her cigarette she flicks the ash carelessly to a dark part of the room.
"Ok, now to kind of explain the zombie, or at least my understanding of what I've seen of them. They are fucking scary, and not like movie scary, but like seriously fucked up, since their digestive system don't work right, they are constantly spitting up blood and obviously organs don't work right so the blood just pools up all over the place on their bodies. Muscles and such seem to work perfectly though, as they are really strong, and move like normal people. Which is the fucked part, they walk just like you or I, and in the darkness you could easily think it was someone you were hanging out with. Again, they have zero intelligence, and chase people down tearing into them with whatever they can. I'm not a scientist, so don't quote me on this, but I think the way the transfer the virus is from the blood that's on them, like it seems to leak from them, it's nasty. Open wound, zombies tearing at you and bleeding on you, yeah, you're coming back to snack."
"Also the other thing is, the most important thing you should know" A loud beep on the phone chimes in on the conversation. "Fuck, my battery is dying on my phone, good thing my charger is in my car. I need some sleep anyway, plus I should probably start thinking about whether I'm sleeping in the closet or my car. Seriously thinking about the car, if one of those zedders is creeping about, at least I'll have a fighting chance to get away. I'm not some bad ass chick slinging guns and swords around, nope, if one of those guys got me, I'm done, so yeah, signing off for now, oh and don't forget to subscribe"
The screen fades to black, no clever texts or video editing appears, the footage is completely raw and untouched, Though it would appear that the video is set to upload to YouTube from her phone. There's no new uploads from her yet, perhaps tomorrow..