A Bob Marley Song Comes to Mind

06/09/08

Well, guess what happens if a dog eats a zombie. Apparently not much, unless he bites ya' soon after. Guess what happens if you eat one of those tomatoes on the news with salmanella on it? You become a zombie that pukes explosively out both ends, top and bottom. Well, you don't really become a zombie, but man do I feel like one. My ass feels like I been wiping with a cheese grater. Sorry ladies, very ungentleman of me to say that. Ya'll know I like to be gentleman right? Right? Don't make me smack you... I'm kidding... I kid... But don't make me. Long story short, don't eat at Dairy Queen no more.

Anyway, I'm riding to the Rx in town to get some Pepto and Amodium and some fuckin' Tucks, when who do I see staggerin' down South Main Street? Sheriff Coleman. Now, since he's staggering, I take notice. Because Coleman is Mr. Straightlaced No Bullshit Man. He's walking past old Miss Carla's, she's the widow gardener, you could eat lunch just from the fruit tree's and diner from the vegetable vines, when he starts climbing over her picket fence. Well, Miss Carla is sitting on her knees pruning some little green leafy thing, but she's got her back to the street. She don't see Sheriff comin' over. She wouldn't think much of it anyway, except for the fact that he was climbing the fence instead of using the gate like a civilized son of a bitch. But me, I know things now, things that make you watch people real close, different than how I watch Glen Tanner's girl when she's home from college, but close in a mean way. A killin' way. That's kinda how Jr. watched Tanner's daughter, but he had some mental issues.

Coleman flopped over the fence and landed flat on his face, but was up in an instant and movin' towards old Miss Carla. I saw the back of his neck then. A big bloody chunk was missing out of it. I'd heard Sheriff got attacked by his dog right after the day I... since my last writing. He'd been taking some sick leave last anyone heard. Looks like he'd been busy turning into a zombie. It was my lucky day!

I slammed the brakes, grabbed the shotgun off the rack, jumped out and pumped the gun once. As my truck kept rolling down the street, I realized I ain't loaded the gun since I last used it. I was planning on cleaning it before I got gut rot from the DQ. I pulled the trigger anyway...click...nothing. I figured that. But now Sheriff Coleman was reaching for Miss Carla. I couldn't get to him before he got to her. Plus, my guts were boiling, so I needed to squat before too long, and I couldn't run as fast as usual. I mean, hell, I wanna save Miss Carla, but I ain't gonna shit my pants to do it!

The Sheriff grabs Miss Carla's shoulders and just bends down and bites her on the head, right through her little sun hat. She starts screaming, but gets quiet real quick. I finally get through the gate and I'm looking around for somethin' to get Sheriff with. All Miss Carla's hand tools were right there next to her and Sheriff Coleman. Then I see the little orange extension cord running across the lawn, hell yeah!, get me a chainsaw, even though it's electric (that's kinda gay). Well, it wasn't a chainsaw- it was a bush hedger. If you don't know what that is, look it up right now.

I grab the hedger, I run up behind Sheriff and I bulldoze his ass onto the ground. Before he can get up I jump on his back, lay the hedger across the back of his neck and stomp it down with my boot, and turn that sucker on. Electric hedger's suck. They are very weak. So, I got my knee in between his shoulder blades and my other foot jamming these shitty little blades into his neck while this little whirring noise, like an eggbeater, is trying to drown out his growlin'.

Fifteen minutes later, that fucker's head finally rolled away. I got up and stomped the shit out of it. Them brains were scrambled. This is your eggs on brains. When I turn around to check on Miss Carla, I notice all the assholes from the neighborhood standin' there watchin' me. Man, they coulda helped me out! I flip 'em the bird and they all just turn and walk off. I heard one of 'em mutter "jerkoff" under their breath. I'm gonna kick that kids ass when she gets outa school tomorrow.

Poor Miss Carla, I just stuck a pair of garden shears in the hole Sheriff made and scooped some of her brains out. Figure that oughta do it. I just left them both laying there. No point hiding them, everyone saw.

The difference between the Bob Marley song and what happended (besides me not actually shooting the Sheriff), was that I did kill the Deputy too. He came around the next day, all them assholes ratted me out. They neglected to mention to the Deputy that Sheriff was a fucking Zombie.

I'd seen the dog since, and he looked fine... stupid, fat and happy. It seems like it must take a while for you to turn if you just get zombie blood in you somehow. The dog ain't a zombie, but he had zombie meat in his teeth when he attacked Sheriff. Sheriff was mean to that 'ol dog, that's why his ass finally got attacked. That's why it took fifteen minutes instead of ten to take his head off too. I like dogs.

The dog you just got done readin' about.