Zombies: What you should do :By Bob Bankard

PhillyBurbs Special Sections

Once again, thanks to the new millenial zombie, we've got to take a good, hard second look at our advice to those who find themselves in the center of a zombie swarm.

It's important to represent both sides - the quick and the dead and the good ol' shamblers - in order to optimize your choices if in fact you find yourself in the middle of a crew intent on eating your face. So, let's start right off with the obvious:

What's eating you? Are you dealing with the tottering old school voodoo zombie, or the new and improved "Olympus 2000" version? Define your enemy, and act appropriately as per below.

The Fast facts on Fast Zombies

I start with these guys, because if you're out there with shamblers, you probably have enough time to read through. Consider it triage for the human Triscuit.

1) Waste Gas. There's no way a fat little hamster like you is going to be able to outrun a couple hundred frothing, sprinting chowhounds. Even more importantly, there's no need. During a zombie swarm, there's an incredible drop in the surplus population, and the economy goes all to hell - this means incredible gas reserves for you, all at the five finger discount. It becomes a drive-thru world. Need food? Get to your supermarket; drive thru. Need clothes? There's The Gap - drive thru. A really top-flight, smart zombie survivor will actually be able to gain weight during a sustained attack through lack of exercise. Happy motoring!

2) Built Ram Tough. Once again, we come back to the state of the union, and the sudden availability of free consumer goods. You may pass by that Ferrari dealership, or that cherry Corvette you always wanted - pretty, but they won't take the pounding of multiple bodies bouncing off the bonnet and ramming speed at the 7-11 will leave you bloody and stranded. Your best steal is a nice, healthy SUV or Hummer. High up, to keep the bodies from bouncing off the glass, extra strength in the bumper and frame, and a great six-speaker stero system to boot. Sure, it's a survivalist emergency, but why not travel in style?

3) I love the smell of napalm in the morning. There was a time when you could stand tall and pick zombies off at your leisure. Those days are gone now - and thanks to federal regulation, you're not allowed to buy automatic weapons. So it's time to cook up some mass-mischief to help thin the herd in a zombie swarm. Burning is good. Blowing up is good too. I hear you can find a lot of evil instructions out here on the net - start cookin'.

4) You're in the Army now. Your first stop, after acquiring your shiny SUV, should be to boogie down to your nearest army base. If they're alive, there you go. Safe and sound. (Just remember they turn into mad horn-dogs after a couple of months - don't wear out your welcome. Or heat it up...) If not - hey - there's your stash of automatic weapons, right there. The zombie army guys aren't using 'em. In fact, they don't march anymore, karate anymore, and frankly, zombie Army guys punch like sissies. K.P. the base of undead uniformed meat-monkeys and stock up on round after round of 2nd Amendment goodness. No guilt - all zombies have suspected links to Al-Quida. The president said so, and the Secretary of Defense showed me sattelite photos that proved it.

5) Get outta Dodge. It's tough to be a saint in the city of the dead - time to go Green Acres. Beautiful sunsets. Mountains. Lakes. No humans around means no meat puppets to avoid. Summer in your cottage in Yellowstone; winter in the painted desert. Or, if you have some time to kill (heh), take a couple of seasons and clean yourself off a Florida Key, or a comfy little island in the Bahamas. Water remains a safe boundry against decomposing bone-biters.

There goes your major instructions, guys. Several of the instructions below are applicable as well; print 'em out and read 'em on the lam. Good luck, and if you ever get down Tahiti way, look me up.