I have managed to keep track of the days since everything happened and i would like to greet you with a Happy New Years, uhm maybe that should read "New Years", there us nothing happy, joyous or merry about the way thing are and will continue to be. I remember when i used to celebrate this occasion with my family. we would yell and scream with joy that a fresh new year was upon us, but now the only screams i hear are their screams of horror and torment. I dont dwell on the good times those memories torment me now, i try not to let those them run through my head anymore because the more i think about those them the more i want a bullet to run through my thoughts, if u get my drift. I wonder how many dead people i put out of their misery this year, i've lost track now. Maybe it was 100, perhaps my news years resolution should be to kill more, or less. i really shouldn't think too far ahead because that's a waste of time, i realized that long ago when the future i had planned out for myself was destroyed... i wonder if they are still alive some where...NO, stop that, shut up with that nonsense. everyone is dead now, ill say that until i believe it. i would rather them be dead, at least they wouldn't be suffering, i hope... i know...i know thats a horrible thought to have but its the truth. i dont want to have to run into them down the road and have to shoot them instead of embracing them with relief that they where in fact ok. it save me the effort of worrying about them because i have many more important things to worry about. How many months will this debacle go on? i sit here and day dream that tomorrow, everything will be as it was, but then reality sets in and i realize this will never end but i try to keep a pseudo positive out look, though that pseudo optimism is starting to fade into real pessimism. why is it January again? why dose this vicious cycle have to repeat it self? Another long and exhausting year, more bitter holidays more paranoia more hell. will it stop, i hope so. maybe it will soon.