Holding zombie hostage (continued)
Ok, my wife is pissed. I used her car to take zombie to the carnival. You'll recall I posted that I'm saving up money for a camera by offering three whacks with a shovel for five bucks.
Everything was cool getting there, I had zombie in the gimp trunk, in the trunk of her car. I've got dog mats down and everything!
There's not a big outbreak here really, hell, I had to get zombie from a couple hours north of where I live. I think he was just some Rotarian from Podunk Michigan. It's not like the neighbors know I even have zombie.
So anyway, It's raining so I'm the one getting any customers. I used an art tent and a control stick for a dry day. Think of this attraction kind of like the old sludge hammer and car gig you may have seen years ago.
So as you can imagine, people can't wait to give me five bucks. Their laughing their asses off, kids are pulling at their mothers purse, umbrellas are popping up and I have a line.
I see this one guy for the third time. Each time he's swatting zombie harder and harder. The last hit knocked zombie's fargin leg clean of at the knee. Now I'm bummed... There goes the old tie the shoelaces together routine. So I close the tent down while zombie is doing a slow "Curly shuffle" and retrieve his leg. If zombie is whole and walking around, you can't ask question about dead body parts. The cops will be sure to investigate and that will point the finger right back at me.
Do you know how hard it was to get zombie back into the trunk? He's off center, dead weight for crying out loud. By the time I got the gimp trunked, I forget to get the leg in there with him. So I just tossed in into the bare car trunk. I could hear it rolling around back there and knew it was slamming around. Figured I could just wash it out.
Well, you can't get that stink out. Who knew. After I cleaned up and closed the car down, the humidity must of really helped the funk out. My wife got into the car and was pissed off. Said it smelled like dead chickens in there. She's already has the damn thing on Craig's list and says I have to answer the calls and sell the car.
Well, to make a long story short, I have enough for a digital camera and will get some shots as soon as it stops raining.
Oh yeah, zombie can walk again. I duct tapped a baseball bat to his stump. It's hilarious too. He can't get around very well. He looks like a drunken pirate at rough seas. Think I'll look for a pirate hat.
Out,
Jim
Everything was cool getting there, I had zombie in the gimp trunk, in the trunk of her car. I've got dog mats down and everything!
There's not a big outbreak here really, hell, I had to get zombie from a couple hours north of where I live. I think he was just some Rotarian from Podunk Michigan. It's not like the neighbors know I even have zombie.
So anyway, It's raining so I'm the one getting any customers. I used an art tent and a control stick for a dry day. Think of this attraction kind of like the old sludge hammer and car gig you may have seen years ago.
So as you can imagine, people can't wait to give me five bucks. Their laughing their asses off, kids are pulling at their mothers purse, umbrellas are popping up and I have a line.
I see this one guy for the third time. Each time he's swatting zombie harder and harder. The last hit knocked zombie's fargin leg clean of at the knee. Now I'm bummed... There goes the old tie the shoelaces together routine. So I close the tent down while zombie is doing a slow "Curly shuffle" and retrieve his leg. If zombie is whole and walking around, you can't ask question about dead body parts. The cops will be sure to investigate and that will point the finger right back at me.
Do you know how hard it was to get zombie back into the trunk? He's off center, dead weight for crying out loud. By the time I got the gimp trunked, I forget to get the leg in there with him. So I just tossed in into the bare car trunk. I could hear it rolling around back there and knew it was slamming around. Figured I could just wash it out.
Well, you can't get that stink out. Who knew. After I cleaned up and closed the car down, the humidity must of really helped the funk out. My wife got into the car and was pissed off. Said it smelled like dead chickens in there. She's already has the damn thing on Craig's list and says I have to answer the calls and sell the car.
Well, to make a long story short, I have enough for a digital camera and will get some shots as soon as it stops raining.
Oh yeah, zombie can walk again. I duct tapped a baseball bat to his stump. It's hilarious too. He can't get around very well. He looks like a drunken pirate at rough seas. Think I'll look for a pirate hat.
Out,
Jim
Comment
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Comment by Jim Merrill on April 21, 2009 at 3:25pm -
Cell, please see post one, Holding Zombie Hostage..."First, you have to immobilize the ghoul... I used a control stick, just like you would see the local animal control officer use. Once zombie was on the ground, you have to get a gag ball on him for obvious reasons..."
Sorry Cell, don't know if I can ship one. Think about the logistics alone, don't think it would be feasible.
As far as hiring me... I have a full time job, sorry man. I just like to lambaste, pummel, and pull pranks on zombie. It's seriously a part time gig.
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Comment by Cellar Rat on April 21, 2009 at 11:00am -
I want to get my own but don't have the guts to catch one. How do you safely capture one without ruining it? Can I hire you to catch me my own? Or perhaps can you ship me one? I will promise to send you pictures and blog my adventures as well.
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Comment by Jim Merrill on April 21, 2009 at 9:37am
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Anytime Fred, glad so see another person with the same sense of humor for zombie pranks. It just never gets old...
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Comment by Jim Merrill on April 21, 2009 at 9:35am
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Oh, yeah, forgot to answer the ethicalities of keeping zombie against his will. I don't believe zombie has a will of his own. So, zombie is allowed to live only to serve at my pleasure. I was afraid that questions like this may surface, that some would feel sorry and have pity for zombie. But until they pass a law that says I can't keep zombie and beat his ass whenever the mood strikes, I plan on continuing. Hope that answers your question.
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Comment by Fred M on April 21, 2009 at 9:32am -
Purveyor Jim, glad your not p*ssed about the shovel. It looked like a well made, heavy antique shovel. You can really get a good heavy swing going. I think you can still find the HD handles for those. Speaking of shooting, my weapon of choice is a bolt action 220 Swift rifle... that way I can reach out to at least a 500 yd melon shot. Thanks for the fine service you provided. Had to burn the shirt I was wearing though.... something sprayed on me from the smack... stunk really bad.
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Comment by Jim Merrill on April 21, 2009 at 8:56am
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Cellar Rat, um, if I may, Cell... It is so true that some of the living, random carbon units that over-populate our cities and towns could be mistaken for a zombie. And I don't fault you for second guessing yourself.
I would suggest Max Brooks' book "The Zombie Survival Guide" to help distinguish the slothful for zombie. This book helps me out tremendously in discerning the between the two.
Most of the time I do the following:
- Yell stop or I'll shoot, and raise my rifle so zombie can see it
- Take a warning shot
- Shoot in the leg
If the "guy" keeps advancing, chances are it's a zombie.
If you're wrong, pull a Woody Harrelsons and tell them you thought the guy was a zombie...
http://www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1470325.php/Woody_Harrelsons_Zombie_defense
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Comment by Jim Merrill on April 21, 2009 at 8:44am
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Hey Fred, glad you came out and poinged the shovel off zombie. Thanks for contributing to the cause... 'cause it's just so damn funny to beat zombie's ass. No really, thanks.
I can show you where we found zombie, there's bound to be more. These things just seem to never die out.
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Comment by Fred M on April 21, 2009 at 8:20am
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I have a fruit cellar in the basement. It's a good place to keep a Zombie in lieu of a freezer. Nice and cool, located far from the bedroom so I won't smell him. I located an old neck shackle, chain and wall cleat. Thinking of getting me one.....
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Comment by Fred M on April 21, 2009 at 6:46am
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I stood in line for 45 minutes in the rain. Completely soaked but stayed warm inside as I watched the others in front of me take satisfying whacks. Full two handers. All along I was thinking, this is worth more that $5. The combination of laughter and moans was priceless. Finally I got my chance... paid my $5. The purveyor handed be the shovel and I could feel the adrenaline. I thought how much I really wanted a 35 hardball bat instead. I exended my arms, stepped back, lining up my swing. I focused on the head and started to wind up.... the purveyor then yelled out "Not the head you *ss".... So I started again... tight grip on the shovel, I then focused on the kidneys.... full swing and WHACK and SNAP... I broke the damn shovel handled. I saw the zombie grimace and bend to one side whith a whimper. Got him good. The purveyor was p*ssed... he was yelling at me for breaking his shovel. I mangaged to get out of there for another $10 to replace the shovel.... What a stress relief.
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Comment by Cellar Rat on April 21, 2009 at 3:49am
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I read this story yesterday and can't stop thinking about it. It is really quite amazing! I was at Walmart last night and saw a guy that I think might have been a Zombie. How can you tell for sure?
I know its not illegal to kill a Zombie (http://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/is-it-legal-to-kill-zombies--and-other-related-que-10088.html) but are you sure you are allowed to hold one captive?
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