I found myself strangely different today. Something just didn't seem right. I had a hell of a time sleeping last night, so I assumed it was just lack of sleep. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. It didn't really matter I guess. I laid in bed for an hour after the alarm went off. Then I realized the time. I had to leave the house for work in 20 minutes. Fuck. No shower today. No breakfast. No coffee. The day was already starting off shitty.
Fuck it. I'll just lay in bed, and go tomorrow. I seemed different. I never would have just not gone to work before today. Maybe I finally fell asleep, and I was dreaming. Maybe I wasn't. It didn't really matter I guess. I wasn't going to move from that spot to save my life. I planned to lay there, and let the memory foam devour my body and soul. I was going to die there. I knew I was. Is that what was different today? I didn't think it was. It felt like I'd hit a stepping stone in life. It felt like I was ontop of the world, and under the fiery pits of hell at the same time. I couldn't tell if the stepping stone was taking me up or down. It seemed to take me up, down, left, right, qnd no where at all at the same time.
Then it donned on me.
This wasn't my bed. This wasn't my house. These weren't my clothes. This wasn't my life. This isn't me.
No wonder I felt so different today. I was living someone else's life like I'd gotten it free with a pair of shoes. Buy one pair get a life for free. If only the old me could see me now. That pussy with the desk job. Filing papers, and taking orders from everyone that walked passed. He'd be proud, or he'd punch me in the stomach and ask what the fuck I was doing. What did he know though? He died. Just like everyone around him died. Just like everyone has died that didn't kill themselves, and start over.
I don't have to go to work, but I still can't get that coffee, or that shower, or that breakfast. I have to be strangely different, or I'll end up the same as the rest. I'll end up fucking dead, and never get a chance to start over again. I'll just walk around aimlessly like I did when I was just a pussy with a desk job. I'll be a zombie again.