My Little Mock Survival Guide... sort of

The
Hollywood Zombie
Survival Guide


Forward
This guide was created in hopes to help you survive a potential zombie attack. Throughout this book I have included multiple quotes and short stories of those who have been acquainted with the living dead. Some may disprove that zombies but they know not the sheer terror that zombies posses.

Chapter 1: Telling apart fictional zombies and Hollywood zombies
Zombies that are fictional have the tendency to shamble and have an actual lifespan. This is not true because Hollywood has shown us through movies how deadly a zombie really is. For instance, the zombies in Movies run this is true but they do not have an endless supply of muscle* tissue. Everyone knows that in a living being muscle tissue regenerates after 24 hours, zombie muscle tissue does NOT regenerate because the body does not sense the ligaments being torn with every step so they will eventually stop running. With that being said there is also much more distinction to made which will be covered in the other multiple sections of this survival guide
I. FEEDING
The Hollywood zombie has a need to eat and therefore cannot leave a meal unattended. In [movie title un-named] we observed how a zombie could live without any of its vital organs and the thought of this had caught America by surprise. The hysteria that was caused by such an idea made the movie NC-17 for violent content but still people were intrigued by the idea and it showed us that zombies were a superb specimen to observe and that they were a complex organism that was created not born.

II. USAGE of TOOLS
Another thing that was shocking about [movie title un-named] was the fact that a zombie was chained to a wall and the scientists gave him a razor. The most stunning part was that the zombie actually showed a sense of understanding with the tool. Many people would disprove this idea as crap but why in the movie [movie title un-named], sequel to the movie mentioned above, did the zombies show that they could use hammers, guns, gas pumps and know how to effectively use them with strategy? The answer to this question is not simple but however there is reason to believe that this idea is plausible.

III. MEMORY
Zombies do not remember past lives, just bits and pieces. The siquism is another story (see Siquism pages 5-6).




IV. PATTERNS OF ATTACK
The attack patterns of a zombie are different as they stick to rural areas for a long time and some stay in the country side. We do not know why this is because we cannot capture a zombie and chain it down to examine it for the good of humanity. Until then this will remain a mystery.

Chapter 2: Now what?
I. GETTING READY
So the zombies are coming for you but are you fully equipped to take on a full legion of the undead hordes? Probably not. In fact most people never are. What will you do to ensure your safety? Well animals are unaffected by the zombie virus and you don’t have to worry about Lassie saving Timmy who fell down the well because chances are Timmy is a zombie. Hold onto your pets because they might be the only friend you have for a while.
Stock up on ammo, food (canned if possible), batteries, gas, first aid supplies and anything else necessary for your survival.
II. FINDING SHELTER
This is very important. I shouldn’t have to state this. Barricade all windows and doors as soon as possible because it is better to be safe than sorry. In my experience it proved useful to just leave my house and venture to a heavily barricaded shelter.
1. Prisons prove the best shelter, but only if there are no prisoners in the facility.
2. Some people actually seek refuge in a mall which is not a bad idea. It’s a great place to get some target practice in and since this structure is huge the chances of being discovered are very slim. Another advantage is the availability of resources throughout the store. I guess that means you will have enough underwear after all.
3. Schools are fine but only if the necessary equipment for survival. The chances of this are slim! Would you want to raid a school for books that nobody cares about? No. The other problem is lack of food supplies. Enough said.
4. City halls and other government buildings are good if you want to be in an area full of hysteric people that could kill you at any moment. Supplies are also a down fall.
5. Boatyards are perfect for shelter because they have the necessary equipment for survival. However they are right on the water so there is always a threat of incoming survivors who are mainly interested in looting.