Zombies? Fuggedaboudit!

An Oral History of the Zombie Apocalypse from a New Yorker

"Hey. I'm not saying it weren't weird, right? We New Yorkers, we put up with a lot-- crime, garbage strikes, fuckin' 9-11-- but zombies were something else again. Right? Like who am I talkin' to?

"First mention of 'em in the New York Post, I hardly noticed. That fuckin' rag's been saying the world is ending since Clinton got elected, and after awhile, you tune out. But then, I saw one of 'em myself. I remember, it was a Friday, the Yanks were playing, and I was walking down to the Korean's to get some milk and those soy balls my wife eats. And this homeless guy is coming at the people as they walk by. He was in this daze and he couldn't keep up with anyone. I remember thinking, 'This poor schmoe's gonna starve.' And then some douchebag stopped to give him some change.

"The homeless dude didn't want change.

"And he didn't starve neither.

"He went right for the guy's face, took his eye out with what was left of his lower teeth. The douchebag pulled back, screaming and bleeding, and the homeless guy charges again, faster now with the blood in sight. He opens his mouth for another bite, and the do-gooder's eye drops out of his mouth and plops there on the sidewalk.

"I don't know why that's the detail that sticks out in my mind. That eye on the sidewalk, one side flattened, until someone stepped on it.

"Most of the passersby kept their distance, but a few good samaritans jumped in, and they just couldn't put this guy down. Trash cans, tire irons, a knife even, and this guy kept coming, all the time biting people. And this old lady's standing on the outer ring with the others, watching, and she keeps saying 'It's one of those zombies, like in Kansas City.' And someone says 'Shut the fuck up. It ain't no zombie.' And now we got a fight and an argument about the fight. New York, man. Democracy in action.

"Finally, the cops pull up, and they throw the guy in the back. The douchebag who started the whole thing is dead, his skull cracked open, and the cops start taking statements. I sneak out to get Katie's soy balls, and I go home and tell her all about it, we go to bed, and that was that.

"Only, the guy was a zombie, and he bit musta been seven people in that fight, let alone how many he took down in the holding cell at jail, and all the cops he come into contact with. Katie and I talk about it, and we figure that was where it all began in New York. Fuckin' Ground Zero.

"The guy used to be a contractor in New Jersey. Fuckin' bridge and tunnel crowd."

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