Zombies in New York - Dorm Talk

"They're no big deal."

"Okay..."

"They're slow. Just keep your pace up."

"..."

"Look, dude, I'm a junior this year. I got a girlfriend. I'm gonna need the room sometimes."

"So what do you do if they catch you?"

"You don't let them catch you. It's very simple. One of them comes towards you, walk away. They're slow, like I keep saying."

"Yeah, but if they catch you while you're not looking..."

"(sigh) You don't let them catch you. Look, the zombies aren't stealthy.They're not hiding behind the garbage cans, laying in wait. They just stumble around until they spot someone with brains, and then they stumble towards you. They can do maybe two miles an hour. There's a determent station on all the avenues every couple of miles, you just walk toward the nearest one, let the professionals do their job, and be on your way."

"And where's the nearest, uhm..."

"Determent station. It's in your orientation literature. The map? The safety zone map?"

"I think I lost it."

"You can pick up a new one at the student center."

"Where's the student center?"

"Loeb Student Center? Across from the library? You have a class there... You haven't been to class? It's been two weeks!"

"Look, I'm not a big city guy. I'm from Iowa. I never saw a zombie before I got here! Suddenly, at JFK, bam! There they are. They took down this janitor, just ripped him apart. And everyone's acting all cool, like nothing's wrong..."

"Settle down, Wayne. Breathe."

"This isn't how it's supposed to be!"

"Look, don't tell the RA, but, you want some Yager?"

"What's Yager?"

"It's good. Have some."

"... Ahhh! It's hot."

"Uh-huh. Now look, here's the thing. This isn't Iowa. It's New York, the center of the world. 6 million people live here, and that population doubles on weekdays. With all those people, you're gonna have zombies. They're attracted to the noise, the lights..."

"Like me."

"Exactly. You didn't come to NYU to hide out in the dorm room, did you? No, you're an art major. You came for the museums, the openings, right?"

"Yeah, but..."

"New York has always been a little dicey. Before the zombies, there were homeless, muggers, a riot every once in awhile. You couldn't go near Alphabet City, you couldn't go to Harlem after dark if you were white. It's the same thing now. Stay off 5th Avenue, and you're fine."

"But they eat brains? Flesh? I mean..."

"Don't get hung up on that. Just don't let 'em catch you. You know, it's actually better now. No homeless, everyone's moving fast, there's an energy out on the street. Plus, if your roommate gets eaten, you get a 4.0."

"I wanna go home."

"No, you don't. Out there in Iowa, everything's too spread out. They don't have determent stations.You get cornered by a pack, you're on your own. Here, you have culture, you have stuff going on every minute of every day. Winter is the best-- all the zombies slipping in the snow, it's hilarious... look, I'll tell you what... I was going down to Bleeker to meet some people-- why don't you come with me? The Student Center is on the way. We'll pick you up another Safety Zone map, and you can see where your classes are."

"Do I need anything?"

"I got my machete, so, no. Just make sure your laces are tied and tucked in, and go to the bathroom first."

"Okay."

"I guarantee you, once you get a taste of New York, you'll never look back. Live or die, it's the greatest city in the world."

"Okay. I'll be out in a second..."

[bathroom door closes]

"Easiest 4.0 ever..."